Phase 4: You, Me and Us

For many couples, life events during the first five to nine years of their marriage can challenge their resolve to support each other’s happiness and success and that of their relationship. Whether a couple faces financial difficulties, extra-marital issues or communication breakdowns, each person in the relationship must call on their inner resources to renew their marital commitment.

In renewing their commitment to each other, a couple comes to discover that the glue that holds them together is, in fact, their commitment to each other’s happiness, success and personal development and to the growth and success of their marriage. A couple is learning to honor their values, to be true to their vision, to balance their work and family life and to be effective partners in life. It is a time when neither individual in the relationship is seriously questioning their commitment to their marriage. They have “all four feet in” in their marriage.

If you are at this stage, you have usually worked out your marital roles and household responsibilities. You are successfully meeting your individual needs and the needs of your relationship. You have gained some mastery at being able to communicate, problem solve and negotiate as you balance the demands of your work, home and community responsibilities. In short, you are learning to live in partnership together.

Couples in this phase place a higher priority on both the fulfillment of each person’s aspirations and the teamwork necessary for mutual empowerment and satisfaction. You may periodically need to re-examine your marital roles, household responsibilities and agreements in your marriage. Most importantly, you know that you are wholly responsible for your own happiness, success and personal development and committed to that of your partner.

Having put any doubts and concerns about the success and viability of your marriage behind you, you can fully participate in life, take risks together and take on bigger commitments. Attention turns to raising your children, creating family life, enhancing your careers and being involved in volunteer, church or community activities. You focus jointly on what matters most, what you are committed to and what you wish to build for your future.

Here are conversational tools that are important to in Phase 4 of a partnership marriage:

• Transform Disempowering Perspectives. Your shared view of your life has great impact on the quality of your marriage. Whatever perspective(s) you have adopted in your lives will shape the reality you share, impact how effectively you take action and influence how satisfied you are in your marriage. You can become aware of the impact of disempowering perspectives on the quality of your marriage. By being responsible for that impact, you can create empowering perspectives through which to view your lives together, thereby gaining mastery in determining the quality of your relationship.
• Maintain Balance. At times, you can easily feel that you have too much on your plate and not enough time in the day to get everything done. Managing all your commitments can begin to crowd out your attention to the quality of your relationship and the well-being of your marriage. Balance can be restored by identifying where you and your spouse experience having little choice and by aligning with your spouse around the commitments you are taking on as well as those you are saying “no” to.
• Align on the Vision of Your Partnership. Alignment in a partnership marriage implies that both people are committed to moving in a direction that not only supports each other but also their relationship. Over time, you can learn to have conversations to bring alignment to the kind of lifestyle you desire, the values you share, the future you envision, the projects you create and committed action you take to realize your dreams. Being in alignment engenders trust and, like being in balance, is a mechanism for a couple to be true to their experience of partnership.
• Align on a Vision of Your Future. Another way you and your partner co-create your lives is through inventing a specific future for your lives. To create the future, visualize and share with each other your dreams for the future, irrespective of time. Bring your whole lives to the process, looking at the all areas of your life, such as your home, family, friends, community, work, career, retirement, play, recreation and health. As you share your vision of the future, step into those future images and experience what it is like having that future be real for you. How does it feel for you both? What do you experience? What does it look like? What is it that lights you up about what you see
• Make Important Choices Together. The ability to work together in making important life choices makes a world of difference in how satisfied and how fulfilled you are in your marriage. When you and your partner have an important choice to make, such as buying a new house, changing careers, creating a business, buying or leasing a car or enrolling a child in day care, take time to clarify and align on each specific, possible scenario that you might be considering. Discuss all the “pros” and the “cons” for each scenario and make your choice freely and independently of your partner after complete consideration of all the pros and cons of each scenario. Finally, if you each make the same choice, you are aligned. If you haven’t made the same choice, continue to discuss your hopes, desires and concerns for the various scenarios you are considering. Important choices and commitments require your time, energy and a dedication to a process in order to arrive at a choice you can both be responsible for and be happy about.
• Design and Fulfill Partnership Projects. You can create a partnership project in any area of life, such as home improvement, financial well-being, children/family, career, education, community or vacation and travel. Projects are designed to be time-limited and have a specific measurable result. To create a project, you and your partner determine what you want to accomplish and by when. Identify any disempowering shared or individual perspectives that might unwittingly shape your relationship to the project and then create an empowering perspective that supports the two of you. Next, brainstorm all the interim accomplishments that will occur during the course of the project and all the actions that will be taken inside the project. As you do this, put the actions and accomplishments in a timeline from the present time to the fulfillment of the project. Give your project a fun name. Finally, meet regularly so you can evaluate what you are accomplishing, recommit to your commitment and get into action to fulfill your future.

Phase 4 of a partnership marriage is a time when you are in your marriage with “all four feet,” taking the long view and working together day in and day out to create the life you love…in partnership. With big dreams in front of you and walking side by side with your partner, you create your life together one step, one day at a time.

Reference

Miser, A. (2014) The partnership marriage: Creating the life you love…together. Charleston, South Carolina: Create Space Publishing.

Posted in Partnership Marriage