Phase 1: Falling into Us

Several years ago, I was sharing with a group of couples in one of my workshops about my second date with Martha, when we attended a community theater production of “Some Like it Hot.” I shared with them that it was on that date when Martha and I first fell in love. Martha, who was at the gathering that evening, said quite spontaneously, “No, we didn’t.”

For a moment, I was off-balance and confused. I looked at her and said, “Well, then, what did we fall into?” She looked back at me hesitatingly and I could see she didn’t quite have words for it, only that she had a sense that something happened that night. After a moment, she looked at me and said, “We fell into us.” On that early date, something had been born. The way I expressed what happened between us was that we had fallen “in love.” Upon reflection, we had fallen into “us.”

I call Phase 1 of a partnership marriage, “falling into us.” At this time early in your relationship, you engage in questions that are at the very heart of what is important for having a happy, healthy connection. “Do I like this person?” “Can I trust him?” “Do we trust each other?” “Can I be myself with this person?” “Is she open and honest with me?” “Do we share similar values?” “Can we communicate with each other?” “Does he understand me?” “Do I care for this person?”

Some of the first conversations you have in a new relationship are around what you enjoy doing, your interests, childhood memories or special hobbies. You may enjoy conversing about important past experiences in your lives, where you have lived and where you have traveled or you may talk about politics, civil rights or world issues. As you get to know each other, you also may connect around your cultural backgrounds, family values and work ethics. These conversations weave a tapestry of common experience that results in the feeling that you belong together.

As you get to know one other, you begin to spend more and more time together, testing out being an exclusive couple. “How well do we get along?” “Do I feel at home with this person?” “Do I see a future being with this person?” “Is this relationship the real thing?” It is a time of exploration, play, discovery, intimacy, risk-taking, sharing and learning to be successful in having a mutually satisfying relationship. Being happy in the relationship, trusting each other and being free to be one’s self with one’s partner are all of paramount importance during this early stage of a relationship.

It is during this time that you make your first important commitment to each other: You invest in the possibility and promise of having a committed relationship. Each of you asks and considers the question, “Is this person ‘The One’?” “Is this relationship ‘it’?” Having many conversations for connection adds depth and breadth to your new relationship and is key in the formation of an exclusive relationship where each of you feels seen and heard.

Here a some of the conversations, which are important to have at this time in your relationship:

• Find ways to nurture your friendship. Get to know each other by sharing your interests, hopes, dreams, values and preferences as well as your dislikes, beliefs and attitudes with each other.
• Find playful activities that you enjoy together. Such activities can include recreational activities, such as dining out, going to movies, sightseeing or going to sporting events and leisure activities, such as reading, watching television, playing games or putting puzzles together.
• Understand each other. Understanding what your partner says to you is one of the most magnificent gifts you can give to them. They will feel validated, seen and acknowledged when you understand what they say.
• Accept and embrace each other’s feelings. One important lesson to learn early in a new friendship is that feelings and emotions are a natural and normal part of any human relationship.
• Communicate your needs to each other. Let each other know what you need, what you want and what you desire in the relationship. When your needs, wants and desires are taken into consideration, you can relate to each other in an honest, straightforward and loving way.
• Share what is important to you. The foundation of your committed relationship rests on a set of shared values, which can be seen as intrinsic to your “couple-ness,” the glue that keeps you both deeply connected.
• Clarify your commitments with each other. The quality of the new bond of friendship between the two of you is strengthened though the commitments you make with each other. The commitments you make to each other allow you to create a strong container for your relationship, where you both feel safe emotionally, socially, physically and sexually.
• Share what you appreciate about each other. When you appreciate each other and what you have with each other, your relationship grows in value. Appreciation acknowledges and reveals the quality, the brilliance and the essence of your unique relationship.

By having these kinds of conversations, you will have the freedom and the safety to risk opening up and sharing your lives intimately with each other. You will be able to create a relationship in which you both have permission to be yourselves and accept your unique sense of “us” as special in your lives.

Reference

Miser, A. (2014) The partnership marriage: Creating the life you love…together. Charleston, South Carolina: Create Space Publishing.

Posted in Partnership Marriage